Thy Word is a Lamp unto my feet and a Light unto my Path – Psalm 119:105

Last night I decided to go for a short walk but something pushed me to go a bit further than I had planned. As I kept going I passed a friend’s house (she plays the guitar in the church I cantor in). Again, I felt that gravitational pull so I turned and walked up her driveway. She was sat in her car crying for a friend that isn’t expected to make it through the weekend. I sat with her for a while and spent some time talking with her at her kitchen table. She said she had prayed for a friend to be with her, that she asked for an angel and I showed up. I’m far from an angel but I believe God led me to be with her in her time of grief. Yesterday I was feeling sad and I prayed to God for some reassurance and comfort, my friend told me she waited thirty five years to meet her husband and that good things come to those who wait. She also told me before she met her husband; an elderly neighbor came by and told her she had a message from God that she would meet her husband in six months – and it happened!! My experience last night was an example of serendipity, I was praying for reassurance from God and my friend’s story comforted me in the loneliness I felt yesterday and at the same time I was present to my friend in her sadness . It’s amazing what can happen when you let the current of God’s spirit bring you to new shores of hope…

A song I needed to hear...

To Our Lady of Perpetual Help...


Pretty lady
Here I am
With my heart on my sleeve
Hat in my hand

You said you could help me
Help me now
Change my life
Please show me how

A face of clay
And yet so warm
I feel like I've weathered
Eternal storm

You said you could help me
Help me now
Change my life
Please show me how

Pretty lady ...

Pretty lady

Here I am
With my heart on my sleeve
Hat in hand

You said you could help me
Help me now
Change my life Please show me how

(Trooper)

The Simple Things…

Mornings are hectic for me…I get up at 5:00 am go for a half hour walk/jog and then it usually takes me at least an hour and a half to get ready for work, but somehow I still manage to get into work a few minutes late or I cut it very close most mornings. I leave the house with my mega huge purse, my lunch bag, a bag containing a change of clothes, a change of shoes and a coffee – needless to say my hands are full – I am sure my neighbors are laughing behind their curtain drawn windows. I take all these things with me because I have a 45 minute commute and plans somehow always have a way of changing so I like to be prepared for anything. This morning as I descended Taplin’s Hill in Holyrood, I noticed one of the women from an old age home walking to work with just a bottle of water in one hand and a radio swinging from the other. I suddenly felt inspired by her simplicity, and calmed by it. It made me think of a passage I wrote shortly after World Youth Day in Toronto…

On the day of the pilgrimage, I volunteered to help a friend who couldn’t walk to the vigil. Along the way, I noticed that many of the pilgrims were carrying a lot of baggage – sleeping bags, air mattresses, chairs and so on. On Sunday evening after it was all over, there was an abundance of these items left abandoned. As we were slowly making our way back, I was astounded to see pilgrims carrying very little or nothing at all. I’ve had some time to think about this and have made a conclusion. You see, the journey the pilgrims made is symbolic of the journey of life. We tend to carry a lot of baggage around with us. Some collapse with exhaustion from the weight of their burdens, some don’t make it, others give up. But for those who drop their bags, the road is much easier to travel. Think of how relieved the pilgrims felt without the weight of their baggage tying them down. Whether they knew it or not, the act of them leaving behind their belongings brought them closer along the path of life than they could have imagined. When Jesus called the disciples, they left everything to follow Him. So must we. We must leave behind our emotional burdens and reconcile with God. Only then will it be easier to proceed with our life’s journey.

I believe that woman was God inadvertently trying to remind me of that lesson and to help me let go of a few things…I found myself feeling a little sad this morning as I thought of a former friend. During a Dale Carnegie Program I had to pick two people to write a letter to and she was one of them. We have been friends for many years and had seen each other through a lot of troubling times whether it was financial, issues in relationships we each had with men. There was one incident in particular she helped me through and in the letter I had promised that if she were ever to need me like that I would be there for her. A few weeks after that, her father assaulted my sister and because of his error and due to no fault to her or I – we just cannot rebuild that close friendship. It’s like that letter was God’s opportunity for me to say goodbye to her though I didn’t know it was a goodbye letter at the time I wrote it.

I have been desperately trying to build lasting friendships for the last few years but it has been difficult for me to trust that others really “get” who I am – my former friend understood my quirks and never judged me for that – our friendship was unconditional – we were friends no matter what bad decision we made or foolish blunders, we just supported each other through embarrassing and sometimes frustrating situations. I really miss that kind of friendship. Not having that kind of friendship these past few years has been a heavy load to bear and the loneliness brought me to my knees in front of the Cross in a church where I hope to find new friends. But today I’ll just wipe my tears and hope in the Lord. To think this all came from seeing a woman walk to work! Oh God, you are mysterious…

The Great Stork Derby and The $1000 Baby Bonus

I watched "The Stork Derby " Saturday evening and needless to say I found myself absolutely writhing with disgust at Charles Vance Millar. He was a wealthy lawyer and financier in Toronto with a sick and twisted sense of humor. In fact i won't even call it humor - it is evil mischief. He would drop dollar bills on sidewalk and while hiding would watch people scamble to pick them up. How dark a person's soul must be to take delight in another's desperation.

Upon his death, Charles' will cause quite a phenomenon with the infamous "Clause 9"
[ All the rest and residue of my property wheresoever situate, I give, devise and bequeath unto my Executors and Trustees named below in Trust to convert into money as they deem advisable and invest all the money until the expiration of nine years from my death and then call in and convert it all into money and at the expiration of ten years from my death to give it and its accumulations to the mother who has since my death given birth in Toronto to the greatest number of children as shown by the Registrations under the Vital Statistics Act. If one or more mothers have equal highest number of registrations under the said Act to divide the said moneys and accumulations equally between them]

You have to understand that in the mid 1920's one of the controversial issues was birth control. Some believed that given Millar's tendancies for practical and ironic jokes, he devised this clause to make a stab at unplanned pregnancies and the prohibition of birth control. The clause quickly penned " The Great Stork Derby" caused quite a stir in Toronto, similar to the scrambling of people picking up money, women scrambled to produce babies during the ten year peroid following Millar's death. First of all, this is an example of complete objectification of women, the feminist in me was furious, how many women died giving birth to these children? How many women mourned the death of stillborn and premature children whilst chasing an unattainable dream? How many women were forced into bearing children by their greed driven husbands?What kind of burden was felt by the poor and marginalized familes left with an over abundance of children, how many of them starved and went to bed hungry? Charles Vance Millar was a sadistic man.

Which brings me to my next point...Politically, I am a conservative and I pretty much hold a high approval for Danny Williams. However, in light of this movie I watched I couldn't help but draw some parallels with the thousand dollar baby bonus given for every child born in this province. I understand it is aimed at increasing the birth rate in NL but I forsee some problems that may arise.

1. $1000 is not a lot of money and is not even enough to deck out a nursery even with the most basic supples.

2. It increases the occurance of pre-marital sex.

3. Most people eligible for the bonus are already being financially assisted. An increase of children in the system equals more burden to be undertaken by taxpayers.

4. It objectifies children. The baby doesn't just grow up and move out once the $1000 is gone. What happens to the children who were brought into the world just for a cheque?

If the provincial government wants to increase the birth rate , they ought to establish a similar childcare program to Quebec's. The working class cannnot afford to have more than two children these days - even with both parents working. They are fueling the fire and adding to the problem of unwed young mothers in unstable relationships on social assistance. It's absurd.

Just a thought on Temperance...

Temperance is a vitue I have difficulty with but I think it can bring about a certain state of Grace that can only be brought about by moderation of specific appetites. Here is a quote I stumbled upon a few weeks ago that has resonated with me...

"For decades, I hated temperance with a passion and joked that it
should be allowed only in moderation.…. Temperance enables
balance, which in many respects is a metaphor for perfection.
Maintaining a graceful balance takes effort, skill, timing creativity
and considerable maturity, for one must juggle personal matters
with one’s relationships and responsibilities to family, work,
church and community. The best jugglers smile, almost dance,
enjoying the thrill of rhythmic balls in motion, careful to drop
none. In life such balance requires not just temperance but prudence,
courage and the others virtues.
Temperance allows us to toss some things into the air while we do
what is urgent or foundational. It also urges us to keep attempting
the virtues, despite years of defeat. Those attempts might include
losing weight, exercising more, tending to someone or fulfilling acommitment. Learning the virtues takes a lifetime." - Unknown (to me at least)

So Temperance is a lifelong commitment...

Let Me Introduce Myself...

My name is Kellie Ann and here is a part of my story... this is my entrance letter to study Theology

Since I have been twelve I have kept a diary and from the very first entry I wrote about God and feeling His presence. As I look back at the pages of my life I realized many things, one being that I have always been able to recognize God’s presence that I wrote about God often and reflected what that meant to me. I remember in grade four I wrote a poem, it’s title was “Candle in the Night”, I showed it to my teacher and never saw it again, to this day the only thing I remember is that it was about Jesus showing us a way in the dark.

I first began to sing publicly at fifteen after achieving a solo in our school’s production of “Jesus Christ Superstar”. After that I was often asked to sing at school masses. When my grandmother died that year I sang at her funeral in church and have been leading my congregation in song ever since. I enjoy it really, I feel like when I sing it helps people experience the mass on a more spiritual level. It fulfills me because I know that it brings people closer to God and that makes me feel like I’m doing something for God.

There have been many people who have inspired me, one of them being Father Ramon Bolotete. His interpretation of the gospel would sometimes bring me to tears, his words and gentle manner helped to bring me to a closer relationship with God. The summer before I went to university, I wrote him a very detailed profession of faith and described how he had inspired me. When I finally did go to university, I got caught up in a way of life that wasn’t for me and I knew it. Feeling lost, broken and lonely, I got up one Sunday morning and went to the nearest church. All the songs and the readings seemed to say the same thing, “Turn to God” I remember crying and saying to God, “I can’t deal with this anymore, help me, and it’s all in your hands.” I just let go and it felt like a big burden had been lifted off my shoulders. It was at that time that I received a reply letter from Father Ramon thanking me for the letter I sent him. It seemed like a sign from God letting me know that everything would work out. And it did, I started to go to church every Sunday, I thrived in school but I eventually decided that the career I chose was not for me. I then began working as a telemarketer and then moved on to work at a sandwich take out.

During the time I worked there I dated a young man, after a couple of months we both decided that we felt no strong connection and went our separate ways. It was then that I began discerning a religious life, feeling confused I asked God to “show me a light”. I moved home to work at a local convenience store. I then resumed going to church at my parish, where I learned a seminarian had just been ordained a deacon. In his first homily to us, he spoke about a little boy congratulating him on becoming a “beacon”. He said he was going to correct the boy but then realized that maybe the boy was right, that maybe he was a “beacon” to show people “the light”. As I heard this I began to cry, I decided it was a sign for me to talk to this Deacon. I knew that God wanted me to hear something the Deacon would say. I made an appointment and I explained to the Deacon about the confusion and all the emotions I’d been feeling. He told me “…in order to know God’s will you have to surrender to God’s will, thy kingdom come, thy will be done”. I almost cried when I heard those words, I had never heard anyone say, “Surrender to God” and it was exactly what I needed to hear. About a week after that I spoke to Father Dunn and he recommended me to the Sisters of Mercy and I have been under their spiritual direction ever since.

I then started to feel “called” to go to World Youth Day in Toronto; I joined the youth group and began fundraising for the event. Later that year I began a career exploration program and was faced with the wrenching decision of not going to World Youth Day. I felt torn, heartbroken and I cried for hours, in the end I decided that the “calling” to go to World Youth Day was too strong to ignore and chose to miss the week of school instead. I felt that something very significant was going to happen and that God would reveal something to me.

Something did happen at World Youth Day and it sent me into a state of shock. It was nothing like I expected, now I realize it was so much more. The first thing that affected me was how enthusiastic people were about spirituality, during catechesis I saw people on their hands and knees crying and praying, it brought me to tears. The music throughout the whole week touched me on many levels. I went to confession while I was there and it made me feel so refreshed. On our way to Niagara Falls, we got on our bus to find a man who seemed disoriented, flailing his arms and moaning in anguish. A couple of our male leaders lifted him off our bus; they were just going to leave him there. The first thing that came to my mind was the story of Jesus disguised as a beggar. We all pleaded for someone to get him help and they called an ambulance for him. Another experience that sticks out for me was, one night back at the school we were staying at, a few of us stayed up talking with a man from New Jersey. He told us that both his children were diagnosed with leukemia. In one of his efforts to help his children, he would stand on streets asking people to pray for his children. Later, one person came back to him and told him he had never prayed until he had been asked to pray for this man’s children and that it had brought him closer to God. The man from New Jersey then thanked God for giving his children cancer because if it brought one person closer to God, it gave his children’s life meaning. That through some divine act of God, the loss of his children would help God Shepherd His lost children. The man from New Jersey told us his children have been in remission since then. There we all were enthralled by this man’s story, sitting around him. It brought to mind Jesus teaching the disciples. I remember looking at this man’s feet, rugged and worn, wondering if Jesus’ feet might have looked like that.

The night before the vigil, I volunteered to escort a young man who was unable to walk to the vigil site due to physical and psychological disabilities. The next day we were picked up by the bus and we went to Downsview. I was told that we had to go to the handicap section, after a half hour walking around we found it and they wouldn’t let us in because they said we weren’t registered. I don’t know what happened but our passes for that section had somehow not been given to us. Stefan the young man, needed to show his disability identification card and they let us in. After tending to Stefan’s needs, I looked around and was shocked to see how isolated the handicap section was from everything else. We were behind a wire fence with barbwire on top of it. The whole day I had to fight to get in and out of the section because we had no passes. I wouldn’t have left but the bathrooms were outside the section, we had meal tickets but you needed six to redeem a meal and no one would combine with us, so we had to buy our food from vendors. I was trying to look for our group but to no avail.

Walking through all the people, a priest stopped me and asked what was wrong. After I told him he blessed both Stefan and I & then said a prayer for us. Finally we went back to the handicap section and I fought until they gave us passes. We were told we had to sleep on the concrete floor of an airport hanger and that’s where we spent the night. The next day we set up next to the fence to see the Holy Father drive by. It seemed unimaginable that they would put politicians and so called important guests next to the stage and keep people who couldn’t hear, speak or walk behind a barbwire fence a half a mile away. When the Pope finally drove by, I cried because all these beautiful people were reaching out to him behind a fence of thorns. Maybe we are all like these people reaching out to God behind the barrier of life’s difficulties and burdens. We were sat next to a woman named Louise who was barely able to speak. She consoled me because I was so upset about Stefan’s and my situation and the fact that God’s most beloved were cast out where no one could see them. She told me she was happy to see Stefan and I helping one another and that God sends us angels. I can’t remember everything she said but she was an angel because her words got me through that day. She told me she used to love to sing and missed it dearly, with tears in my eyes I told her I would sing for her, she cried and we all embraced each other.
World Youth Day was a significant spiritual event for me and it has taken many years for me to process it. God revealed something to me - that I feel His love for disabled people, I admire their innocence and preciousness. I have been in discernment for many years struggling with expectations that my parents have for me and the gentle whispering of the Holy Spirit within me. During the last four years I have been experiencing a spiritual disconnection but I have been holding on to my faith as if it was the only thing keeping me alive. Last January, my sister was sexually assaulted by my best friend’s father. It was a devastating loss and I will miss her friendship forever. I drew strength from my faith to endure the questioning in our small community and I gave my full support to my sister during the trial and conviction of a once family friend. It has only been since the conviction that I have begun to feel the hurt healing. I went to Mass for Holy Thursday in St. Theresa’s and part of the priest’s homily was about forgiveness and I realized that I have to let it go, I do not hate the man but I hate what he did. I pray that if he ever realizes the error in his ways that God will be there to console him.

I have been patiently waiting for something to stir, to feel God’s presence gently pushing me past the stagnant routine my life has become. A few weeks ago my Aunt called from Nova Scotia and I learned that my cousin and his fiancé had been refused the sacrament of marriage. I felt disappointed because I use every opportunity to encourage my peers to open themselves to their faith and return to the church. I thought, “How can I defend the church if they will be turned away?” I wrote a letter to the Archbishop of Halifax imploring him to intervene. In my letter I spoke of God’s unconditional love and using the parable of The Prodigal Son and The Good Shepherd, I explained that God will welcome us home with open arms and that it is part of a priest’s responsibility to enable the Holy Spirit, to emulate The Good Shepherd and gather the sheep in His arms. The Bishop’s Aide has contacted my Aunt. She, my cousin and his fiancé will be meeting with a priest to further discuss the matter. When I went to Mass that Sunday as I was Leader of Psalm, I listened to the readings and learned that it was the celebration of The Good Shepherd. In my heart, I felt that God had timed everything perfectly and it was at that moment I believe, the Spirit began to stir within me again.

I became curious about Divinity Colleges and I found myself on the site for the Atlantic School of Theology. I learned that lay persons can take classes! I read course descriptions and my heart began to swell with excitement. I wondered to myself, “How would I be able to do this?”, and I decided to investigate. I made an appointment with a professor of Religious Studies in Memorial University to see if they offered any courses only to discover that it was not what I was seeking. That same day, I visited Sr. Maureen and talked with her about the desire to pursue a correspondence program with the Atlantic School of Theology. Sr. Maureen told me about Queen’s College and the pang of desire and yearning overwhelmed me. I emailed Dr. Carmel Doyle and asked to meet with her. I did not know what to expect and the moment we began to speak I felt comfortable and I explained why I was there. I learned that there were others who felt the same way I do and they embarked upon this path in the same way I intend to. I met with the students and I felt a kindred connection and I knew that this is where I belong. I’ve been asking myself why didn’t I do this years ago and the only explanation I can understand is that God needed me to have these experiences in order to bring me here now. If I had not been exposed to the events that unfolded, I would be somewhere else. I do not know the destination, and it is only now I know the way. Here I am, afraid and mystified of the unknown, yet my spirit is yielding with complete trust in the Father’s guidance. I look to Queen’s College for a more structured learning and exploration in deepening my faith and spirituality by aiding me to integrate my life’s experiences with teachings of the scriptures and enhance my knowledge of church traditions. I wish to examine and discern the empathy I feel towards the disabled and learn how I can inspire the spark of spiritual growth in the young. The possibilities are endless and uncertain, so now I must begin.