Suffering

Over the past few weeks, I have noticed a theme in the priest’s homilies – suffering seems to be a recurring theme these days and it is fitting that I should hear it. Today marks the Feast of St. Teresa of Liseaux and the Archbishop spoke about her life and how she suffered, she was an ordinary person with an extraordinary faith. What is extraordinary about St. Teresa’s faith is the simplicity of it, the childlike affection she had for God. She saw beauty in every small thing and offered her sufferings to God. I love St. Teresa. I feel like I owe part of my conversion to her. The archbishop spoke about how holy St. Teresa was at a young age and that she experienced a complete conversion at the age of fourteen. He then said that we can all remember at some point when we were given the choice to turn one way or the other when it was just between you and God. I reflected on the day my life changed when I surrendered to God’s will at St. Teresa’s Church , it was a time in my life when everything changed for the better. I guess this past few years, I seem to have taken back my will from God but he wants it again. The memory of that day caused me to look upon the cross and give in. I don’t know what He wants or where He will lead me. The arch bishop spoke about St. Teresa’s complete surrender to God and the suffering it meant for her, but that she also experienced so much joy in her surrender. I recall a passage I wrote shortly after World youth Day in Toronto, albeit inspired- perhaps even divinely.


July 30, 2002


Looking back, I am thankful things happened the way they did. It brought me closer to God and I learned so much. I grew spiritually this past week. I learned that in order to find true happiness one must understand God. The purpose of life is to be truly happy. True happiness is to be one with God and to have complete trust in Him. The only way to achieve this is through suffering. We must thank God for our suffering because through suffering and sacrifice we understand Jesus. When we understand Jesus, we understand God. When we suffer, we suffer with Christ; with sacrifice we receive back twice what we sacrificed in the first place. This only occurs when we accept our suffrage and surrender to God’s will for us. This act alone will bring about so much change in our lives. Peace will wash over you like a wave, and you will be filled with joy. God taught me this lesson in a matter of hours and I am truly grateful because our relationship is closer because of it. I don’t know God’s will for me but I truly trust Him so I don’t have to fight against it. I believe everything will be fine, I won’t have to worry because God my Father is lovingly taking care of me.



After my father died, I was in shock- I still am and I cannot deny I felt angry that God had not answered my prayers. I looked at the crucifix on my wall – the same one that hung on the wall in the same room my grandmother died in and I said in hurtful frustration, “Your will is BS.” In the same instant, I felt Jesus whisper, “Don’t my wounds mean anything?” I cried and felt sorry and ashamed for my reproach. During the time Dad was in hospital, I recalled many things. For instance, Dad would like us to put a cold cloth to his head or massage his neck and I truly saw Jesus on the Cross. I empathized with Mary and understood Veronica’s compassion. Since that empathy I feel more emotion during the blessing of the Holy Sacrament. Some people can envision the Body of our Lord being held up for all to see, but since Dad died, I see something different. For some reason since my father’s death, I reflected on what is most precious to Mary and that is her Baby Jesus. That is what I feel when I see the Eucharist held up before me.



I am going to make another go of this surrendering business; it’s hard to give up control. I cannot do it anymore, I am overwhelmed and I must let God take over now. If He should grace me with earthly happiness, I will be blessed. If He should grace me with more suffering, I will be blessed – as hard as it is to accept. That is the hard part about accepting suffering, it isn’t easy, and I grieve not only for my father but for the dreams I have. I fear God will suffer me longer and I don’t know how much more I can take. If only I could be more like St. Teresa, quiet surrender, silent suffering. Lord, here am I to do your will, though I am afraid.

Silence

I love to write as much as I love to sing. My life is crazy and has been this past couple of years. I was curious as to whether my blog still existed and to my delight it does. I love the name, very poignant and fitting to my spiritual struggle. I don’t know where to start or what to write, I’ll let God guide my fingers. In April of 2010, my father was diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis a serious lung disease which he lost a brother to. I have struggled spiritually so much and felt so far from God while still holding on to faith as is it were the only thing keeping my head above the water in this perfect storm of life. I have let myself become busy to the point that I am unable to quiet myself to connect with God like I used to. When I try to quiet myself, the world creeps in and distracts me with endless tasks, even though they are tied to my faith work whether it be Music Ministry, Pro Life Work, Professional work, the list is endless. The main difficulty I have with my spiritual life is my unavailability to God, we have become distant friends with a quick “hello” here and there. I feel as though He and I are at a standstill, a stalemate – the other unwilling to budge and an impossible situation to be in. I made a promise of chastity many years ago to God, which I have kept with the hopes of being rewarded. I have often looked upon the Cross and stomped my foot in frustration, my patience is dwindling and I feel alone. I wonder what God’s will is for me, to always suffer to never feel happiness. How did Job do it? I know he cried out to God and asked to be relieved and cursed the day of his birth. I have been waiting so long for God’s grace, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or what He wants of me. This past two years has been a test, with my father’s illness, professional struggles, personal issues; my heart has been very weighed down. My father passed away August 21st and the heavenly whispers I longed to hear have slowly been coming back to me, though it is bittersweet and I resent it, because my heart has been torn open. With the sadness comes silence and detachment, I’ve never felt so alone in my life. How I pray God would answer my prayers and grant me the gift of a loving soul mate. My idea of true love is friendship raised to a higher level. My soul would feel at ease in his presence, the crazy life I lead would all come to a stop at the mere sight of him. I just want someone who loves me to be with me when I die. God knows what I want and I’m disappointed that it’s been eight years and it hasn’t come to fruition. I feel God with me and that we’ve been sat down in the same room by some unknown force but neither of us is willing to speak… therein lies the silence. What event shall mediate the relationship to closeness again? I do not know but I shall keep holding on.