Silence

I love to write as much as I love to sing. My life is crazy and has been this past couple of years. I was curious as to whether my blog still existed and to my delight it does. I love the name, very poignant and fitting to my spiritual struggle. I don’t know where to start or what to write, I’ll let God guide my fingers. In April of 2010, my father was diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis a serious lung disease which he lost a brother to. I have struggled spiritually so much and felt so far from God while still holding on to faith as is it were the only thing keeping my head above the water in this perfect storm of life. I have let myself become busy to the point that I am unable to quiet myself to connect with God like I used to. When I try to quiet myself, the world creeps in and distracts me with endless tasks, even though they are tied to my faith work whether it be Music Ministry, Pro Life Work, Professional work, the list is endless. The main difficulty I have with my spiritual life is my unavailability to God, we have become distant friends with a quick “hello” here and there. I feel as though He and I are at a standstill, a stalemate – the other unwilling to budge and an impossible situation to be in. I made a promise of chastity many years ago to God, which I have kept with the hopes of being rewarded. I have often looked upon the Cross and stomped my foot in frustration, my patience is dwindling and I feel alone. I wonder what God’s will is for me, to always suffer to never feel happiness. How did Job do it? I know he cried out to God and asked to be relieved and cursed the day of his birth. I have been waiting so long for God’s grace, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or what He wants of me. This past two years has been a test, with my father’s illness, professional struggles, personal issues; my heart has been very weighed down. My father passed away August 21st and the heavenly whispers I longed to hear have slowly been coming back to me, though it is bittersweet and I resent it, because my heart has been torn open. With the sadness comes silence and detachment, I’ve never felt so alone in my life. How I pray God would answer my prayers and grant me the gift of a loving soul mate. My idea of true love is friendship raised to a higher level. My soul would feel at ease in his presence, the crazy life I lead would all come to a stop at the mere sight of him. I just want someone who loves me to be with me when I die. God knows what I want and I’m disappointed that it’s been eight years and it hasn’t come to fruition. I feel God with me and that we’ve been sat down in the same room by some unknown force but neither of us is willing to speak… therein lies the silence. What event shall mediate the relationship to closeness again? I do not know but I shall keep holding on.