Suffering

Over the past few weeks, I have noticed a theme in the priest’s homilies – suffering seems to be a recurring theme these days and it is fitting that I should hear it. Today marks the Feast of St. Teresa of Liseaux and the Archbishop spoke about her life and how she suffered, she was an ordinary person with an extraordinary faith. What is extraordinary about St. Teresa’s faith is the simplicity of it, the childlike affection she had for God. She saw beauty in every small thing and offered her sufferings to God. I love St. Teresa. I feel like I owe part of my conversion to her. The archbishop spoke about how holy St. Teresa was at a young age and that she experienced a complete conversion at the age of fourteen. He then said that we can all remember at some point when we were given the choice to turn one way or the other when it was just between you and God. I reflected on the day my life changed when I surrendered to God’s will at St. Teresa’s Church , it was a time in my life when everything changed for the better. I guess this past few years, I seem to have taken back my will from God but he wants it again. The memory of that day caused me to look upon the cross and give in. I don’t know what He wants or where He will lead me. The arch bishop spoke about St. Teresa’s complete surrender to God and the suffering it meant for her, but that she also experienced so much joy in her surrender. I recall a passage I wrote shortly after World youth Day in Toronto, albeit inspired- perhaps even divinely.


July 30, 2002


Looking back, I am thankful things happened the way they did. It brought me closer to God and I learned so much. I grew spiritually this past week. I learned that in order to find true happiness one must understand God. The purpose of life is to be truly happy. True happiness is to be one with God and to have complete trust in Him. The only way to achieve this is through suffering. We must thank God for our suffering because through suffering and sacrifice we understand Jesus. When we understand Jesus, we understand God. When we suffer, we suffer with Christ; with sacrifice we receive back twice what we sacrificed in the first place. This only occurs when we accept our suffrage and surrender to God’s will for us. This act alone will bring about so much change in our lives. Peace will wash over you like a wave, and you will be filled with joy. God taught me this lesson in a matter of hours and I am truly grateful because our relationship is closer because of it. I don’t know God’s will for me but I truly trust Him so I don’t have to fight against it. I believe everything will be fine, I won’t have to worry because God my Father is lovingly taking care of me.



After my father died, I was in shock- I still am and I cannot deny I felt angry that God had not answered my prayers. I looked at the crucifix on my wall – the same one that hung on the wall in the same room my grandmother died in and I said in hurtful frustration, “Your will is BS.” In the same instant, I felt Jesus whisper, “Don’t my wounds mean anything?” I cried and felt sorry and ashamed for my reproach. During the time Dad was in hospital, I recalled many things. For instance, Dad would like us to put a cold cloth to his head or massage his neck and I truly saw Jesus on the Cross. I empathized with Mary and understood Veronica’s compassion. Since that empathy I feel more emotion during the blessing of the Holy Sacrament. Some people can envision the Body of our Lord being held up for all to see, but since Dad died, I see something different. For some reason since my father’s death, I reflected on what is most precious to Mary and that is her Baby Jesus. That is what I feel when I see the Eucharist held up before me.



I am going to make another go of this surrendering business; it’s hard to give up control. I cannot do it anymore, I am overwhelmed and I must let God take over now. If He should grace me with earthly happiness, I will be blessed. If He should grace me with more suffering, I will be blessed – as hard as it is to accept. That is the hard part about accepting suffering, it isn’t easy, and I grieve not only for my father but for the dreams I have. I fear God will suffer me longer and I don’t know how much more I can take. If only I could be more like St. Teresa, quiet surrender, silent suffering. Lord, here am I to do your will, though I am afraid.

Silence

I love to write as much as I love to sing. My life is crazy and has been this past couple of years. I was curious as to whether my blog still existed and to my delight it does. I love the name, very poignant and fitting to my spiritual struggle. I don’t know where to start or what to write, I’ll let God guide my fingers. In April of 2010, my father was diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis a serious lung disease which he lost a brother to. I have struggled spiritually so much and felt so far from God while still holding on to faith as is it were the only thing keeping my head above the water in this perfect storm of life. I have let myself become busy to the point that I am unable to quiet myself to connect with God like I used to. When I try to quiet myself, the world creeps in and distracts me with endless tasks, even though they are tied to my faith work whether it be Music Ministry, Pro Life Work, Professional work, the list is endless. The main difficulty I have with my spiritual life is my unavailability to God, we have become distant friends with a quick “hello” here and there. I feel as though He and I are at a standstill, a stalemate – the other unwilling to budge and an impossible situation to be in. I made a promise of chastity many years ago to God, which I have kept with the hopes of being rewarded. I have often looked upon the Cross and stomped my foot in frustration, my patience is dwindling and I feel alone. I wonder what God’s will is for me, to always suffer to never feel happiness. How did Job do it? I know he cried out to God and asked to be relieved and cursed the day of his birth. I have been waiting so long for God’s grace, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or what He wants of me. This past two years has been a test, with my father’s illness, professional struggles, personal issues; my heart has been very weighed down. My father passed away August 21st and the heavenly whispers I longed to hear have slowly been coming back to me, though it is bittersweet and I resent it, because my heart has been torn open. With the sadness comes silence and detachment, I’ve never felt so alone in my life. How I pray God would answer my prayers and grant me the gift of a loving soul mate. My idea of true love is friendship raised to a higher level. My soul would feel at ease in his presence, the crazy life I lead would all come to a stop at the mere sight of him. I just want someone who loves me to be with me when I die. God knows what I want and I’m disappointed that it’s been eight years and it hasn’t come to fruition. I feel God with me and that we’ve been sat down in the same room by some unknown force but neither of us is willing to speak… therein lies the silence. What event shall mediate the relationship to closeness again? I do not know but I shall keep holding on.

I dreamed another dream...

A young man was in search for a perfect gift and walked into an antique looking store. There was an old storekeeper behind the counter. The guy walked up and asked the storekeeper to help him find the perfect gift, he had been looking for a long time and was growing weary. The storekeeper looked at the guy for a long time and said “I have just the thing you’ve been looking for, I have been hiding it away, and it is the most precious thing in this store. You may have it – provided you keep it in a place of honor and take good care of it.” The storekeeper turned to the shelves behind him and moved some things away from the front and reached way back to lift out the item. The guy smiled and received the gift and left the store. After some time had passed, the storekeeper went to check on the guy and see if he was true to his word. The storekeeper found that the gift had been cast away to the side so the storekeeper retrieved the gift and scolded the guy for not living up to his end of the bargain. The storekeeper said, “I will take the gift back and put it away for someone who will cherish and realize its value.”

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There is a second part to the dream but I have tried to type it and everytine I do, I feel like I would be spoiling the end of a story and I feel compelled to wait for prompting to tell anyone what happens next. So stay tuned...

The spirit whispered to me at Mass on Saturday, “I am not taking something away from you; I am taking you away from something.” After mass on Sunday it whispered, “Let me deal with it.” “Wait for my signal, I will let you know.”

God’s will is difficult, I am unable to see the big picture. I trust that He does, and knows where to weave my unique color into the tapestry. Whether I belong to the right corner or to the left, remains in God’s artistic hands.

Lord, it's hard to be Catholic

Every day I find myself defending the faith I was born into. Why it is others make fun of what they don’t know? They say love is a battlefield and it is true, my love for the church and my faith is always under fire. Most of the time I know it is meant jokingly, but other times it feels hurtful and no matter what I say, it gets rebuked - it often is futile to even try. Today I found myself set up for admonishment for my preference to date men of the same faith – that is my choice as much as it is my choice to eat chicken instead of fish. I listened to what they said, I was limiting my choices, being close minded – I didn’t say much, which led to further abashment on another trivial unrelated matter. I recalled when Jesus was called before Pilot and was asked if he was the King of the Jews. Jesus remained silent until he offered one reply “It is you who say I am”. Then Jesus was flogged and crucified. The hurt I feel is miniscule to what Jesus went through and I cannot even fathom how he must have felt. I offered it up, dried my eyes and carried on with my tasks, not speaking for the entire day at work. It seems people in other denominations including lapsed Catholics find it hard to understand why we stand by the church even as she undergoes hardships and trial with the clergy abuse scandals, attacks on doctrines and catechisms. I believe they use these as barriers in their own faith journeys…and use them for verbal attacks on the faithful. Or maybe they are just looking for someone who can give them the answers. I can’t give them the answers they look for because I search for them as well but I do it with faith, trust and hope in God.

Sunday's Gospel Message

Yesterday’s gospel message has stayed with me today. If there are aspects of ourselves which get in the way of being the person God’s wants us to be or get in the way of other people’s paths, we ought to rectify that and try to cut the evil parts out of our selves. That’s the purpose of the sacrament of reconciliation.

If our eyes are too distracted by the things the world has to offer – we should close our eyes to the world so that it is only God we see. If our hands are tempted by the material things the world has to offer, we should press them together and pray to God for His blessing. If our hearts are tempted by the vagaries of the world, we should close our hearts to them and focus our longing on God. What you hear is the dark you must speak in the light, you are salt of the earth, and you are light for the world…

The gospel message also had special meaning for me as it reminded me of a song that expresses how I feel about God’s presence in my life.

If I didn’t have you – Amanda Marshall

I don't know what I was thinking 'Til I was thinking of you
I don't remember a thing before I opened my eyes
And you came into view
I don't know what I was doing When there was nothing to do
Must've been waiting for someone ,
Now I can see - I was waiting for you

CHORUS

I'd give up my sight just to see you I'd beg,
I would borrow and steal I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you

Driving myself to distraction
Until you got in my way
I was just whistling Dixie 'til you struck up the band
And they started to play I don't know how I was living
Until you came in my life
I always knew there was something wrong
Then you came along ,you made it right

CHORUS

I was alone in the silence
'Til I was hearing your voice
I couldn't see my way clear until you parted the clouds
And you gave me a choice
I couldn't pick up the pieces 'Til I was falling apart
I didn't know I was bleeding
'Til your love fixed this hole here in my heart

I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's no place that I'd rather be
Cause life without you would be hollow
This love is a gift, and you gave it to me
All that I am, you have made me
And baby, I know that it's true
I'd give it all up in a heartbeat
Just to spend every moment with you
There's no place that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you

I'll Need You

I have been awake trying to figure out how to upload videos here. After a hour of frustation here is the link. You have to watch it - It's Brilliant!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tPuOIItb7o&feature=player_embedded#t=100

Inspirational message from a Friend

On days that seem unbearable, I remember a message a friend wrote me many years ago. I had no idea she had penned this poetic antiphon which I happened to find in my notebook years later. I read it because it moves me and it affirms that indeed there are special people that have been in my life. I thank God for their presence in my life, they have helped shape who I have become.

"When you wake up in the morning and the loneliness and emptiness surround you. The light in your heart that used to follow you is diminished and you live your life not to be alone or to have pain. Don't give up or give in cause there will always be another chance. God gave us everything we need. Everyday you see a smile and a great love that you think you will never feel, you are wrong. Try to remember all the strength that was given to you. Don't forget the pain you've been through to get here. You've learned a lesson and the good ones are always the hard ones. You'll learn again and you'll be heart broken more than once ."

Miss you much my Friend