Suffering

Over the past few weeks, I have noticed a theme in the priest’s homilies – suffering seems to be a recurring theme these days and it is fitting that I should hear it. Today marks the Feast of St. Teresa of Liseaux and the Archbishop spoke about her life and how she suffered, she was an ordinary person with an extraordinary faith. What is extraordinary about St. Teresa’s faith is the simplicity of it, the childlike affection she had for God. She saw beauty in every small thing and offered her sufferings to God. I love St. Teresa. I feel like I owe part of my conversion to her. The archbishop spoke about how holy St. Teresa was at a young age and that she experienced a complete conversion at the age of fourteen. He then said that we can all remember at some point when we were given the choice to turn one way or the other when it was just between you and God. I reflected on the day my life changed when I surrendered to God’s will at St. Teresa’s Church , it was a time in my life when everything changed for the better. I guess this past few years, I seem to have taken back my will from God but he wants it again. The memory of that day caused me to look upon the cross and give in. I don’t know what He wants or where He will lead me. The arch bishop spoke about St. Teresa’s complete surrender to God and the suffering it meant for her, but that she also experienced so much joy in her surrender. I recall a passage I wrote shortly after World youth Day in Toronto, albeit inspired- perhaps even divinely.


July 30, 2002


Looking back, I am thankful things happened the way they did. It brought me closer to God and I learned so much. I grew spiritually this past week. I learned that in order to find true happiness one must understand God. The purpose of life is to be truly happy. True happiness is to be one with God and to have complete trust in Him. The only way to achieve this is through suffering. We must thank God for our suffering because through suffering and sacrifice we understand Jesus. When we understand Jesus, we understand God. When we suffer, we suffer with Christ; with sacrifice we receive back twice what we sacrificed in the first place. This only occurs when we accept our suffrage and surrender to God’s will for us. This act alone will bring about so much change in our lives. Peace will wash over you like a wave, and you will be filled with joy. God taught me this lesson in a matter of hours and I am truly grateful because our relationship is closer because of it. I don’t know God’s will for me but I truly trust Him so I don’t have to fight against it. I believe everything will be fine, I won’t have to worry because God my Father is lovingly taking care of me.



After my father died, I was in shock- I still am and I cannot deny I felt angry that God had not answered my prayers. I looked at the crucifix on my wall – the same one that hung on the wall in the same room my grandmother died in and I said in hurtful frustration, “Your will is BS.” In the same instant, I felt Jesus whisper, “Don’t my wounds mean anything?” I cried and felt sorry and ashamed for my reproach. During the time Dad was in hospital, I recalled many things. For instance, Dad would like us to put a cold cloth to his head or massage his neck and I truly saw Jesus on the Cross. I empathized with Mary and understood Veronica’s compassion. Since that empathy I feel more emotion during the blessing of the Holy Sacrament. Some people can envision the Body of our Lord being held up for all to see, but since Dad died, I see something different. For some reason since my father’s death, I reflected on what is most precious to Mary and that is her Baby Jesus. That is what I feel when I see the Eucharist held up before me.



I am going to make another go of this surrendering business; it’s hard to give up control. I cannot do it anymore, I am overwhelmed and I must let God take over now. If He should grace me with earthly happiness, I will be blessed. If He should grace me with more suffering, I will be blessed – as hard as it is to accept. That is the hard part about accepting suffering, it isn’t easy, and I grieve not only for my father but for the dreams I have. I fear God will suffer me longer and I don’t know how much more I can take. If only I could be more like St. Teresa, quiet surrender, silent suffering. Lord, here am I to do your will, though I am afraid.

Silence

I love to write as much as I love to sing. My life is crazy and has been this past couple of years. I was curious as to whether my blog still existed and to my delight it does. I love the name, very poignant and fitting to my spiritual struggle. I don’t know where to start or what to write, I’ll let God guide my fingers. In April of 2010, my father was diagnosed with Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis a serious lung disease which he lost a brother to. I have struggled spiritually so much and felt so far from God while still holding on to faith as is it were the only thing keeping my head above the water in this perfect storm of life. I have let myself become busy to the point that I am unable to quiet myself to connect with God like I used to. When I try to quiet myself, the world creeps in and distracts me with endless tasks, even though they are tied to my faith work whether it be Music Ministry, Pro Life Work, Professional work, the list is endless. The main difficulty I have with my spiritual life is my unavailability to God, we have become distant friends with a quick “hello” here and there. I feel as though He and I are at a standstill, a stalemate – the other unwilling to budge and an impossible situation to be in. I made a promise of chastity many years ago to God, which I have kept with the hopes of being rewarded. I have often looked upon the Cross and stomped my foot in frustration, my patience is dwindling and I feel alone. I wonder what God’s will is for me, to always suffer to never feel happiness. How did Job do it? I know he cried out to God and asked to be relieved and cursed the day of his birth. I have been waiting so long for God’s grace, I don’t know what I’m doing wrong or what He wants of me. This past two years has been a test, with my father’s illness, professional struggles, personal issues; my heart has been very weighed down. My father passed away August 21st and the heavenly whispers I longed to hear have slowly been coming back to me, though it is bittersweet and I resent it, because my heart has been torn open. With the sadness comes silence and detachment, I’ve never felt so alone in my life. How I pray God would answer my prayers and grant me the gift of a loving soul mate. My idea of true love is friendship raised to a higher level. My soul would feel at ease in his presence, the crazy life I lead would all come to a stop at the mere sight of him. I just want someone who loves me to be with me when I die. God knows what I want and I’m disappointed that it’s been eight years and it hasn’t come to fruition. I feel God with me and that we’ve been sat down in the same room by some unknown force but neither of us is willing to speak… therein lies the silence. What event shall mediate the relationship to closeness again? I do not know but I shall keep holding on.

I dreamed another dream...

A young man was in search for a perfect gift and walked into an antique looking store. There was an old storekeeper behind the counter. The guy walked up and asked the storekeeper to help him find the perfect gift, he had been looking for a long time and was growing weary. The storekeeper looked at the guy for a long time and said “I have just the thing you’ve been looking for, I have been hiding it away, and it is the most precious thing in this store. You may have it – provided you keep it in a place of honor and take good care of it.” The storekeeper turned to the shelves behind him and moved some things away from the front and reached way back to lift out the item. The guy smiled and received the gift and left the store. After some time had passed, the storekeeper went to check on the guy and see if he was true to his word. The storekeeper found that the gift had been cast away to the side so the storekeeper retrieved the gift and scolded the guy for not living up to his end of the bargain. The storekeeper said, “I will take the gift back and put it away for someone who will cherish and realize its value.”

**********************************************************

There is a second part to the dream but I have tried to type it and everytine I do, I feel like I would be spoiling the end of a story and I feel compelled to wait for prompting to tell anyone what happens next. So stay tuned...

The spirit whispered to me at Mass on Saturday, “I am not taking something away from you; I am taking you away from something.” After mass on Sunday it whispered, “Let me deal with it.” “Wait for my signal, I will let you know.”

God’s will is difficult, I am unable to see the big picture. I trust that He does, and knows where to weave my unique color into the tapestry. Whether I belong to the right corner or to the left, remains in God’s artistic hands.

Lord, it's hard to be Catholic

Every day I find myself defending the faith I was born into. Why it is others make fun of what they don’t know? They say love is a battlefield and it is true, my love for the church and my faith is always under fire. Most of the time I know it is meant jokingly, but other times it feels hurtful and no matter what I say, it gets rebuked - it often is futile to even try. Today I found myself set up for admonishment for my preference to date men of the same faith – that is my choice as much as it is my choice to eat chicken instead of fish. I listened to what they said, I was limiting my choices, being close minded – I didn’t say much, which led to further abashment on another trivial unrelated matter. I recalled when Jesus was called before Pilot and was asked if he was the King of the Jews. Jesus remained silent until he offered one reply “It is you who say I am”. Then Jesus was flogged and crucified. The hurt I feel is miniscule to what Jesus went through and I cannot even fathom how he must have felt. I offered it up, dried my eyes and carried on with my tasks, not speaking for the entire day at work. It seems people in other denominations including lapsed Catholics find it hard to understand why we stand by the church even as she undergoes hardships and trial with the clergy abuse scandals, attacks on doctrines and catechisms. I believe they use these as barriers in their own faith journeys…and use them for verbal attacks on the faithful. Or maybe they are just looking for someone who can give them the answers. I can’t give them the answers they look for because I search for them as well but I do it with faith, trust and hope in God.

Sunday's Gospel Message

Yesterday’s gospel message has stayed with me today. If there are aspects of ourselves which get in the way of being the person God’s wants us to be or get in the way of other people’s paths, we ought to rectify that and try to cut the evil parts out of our selves. That’s the purpose of the sacrament of reconciliation.

If our eyes are too distracted by the things the world has to offer – we should close our eyes to the world so that it is only God we see. If our hands are tempted by the material things the world has to offer, we should press them together and pray to God for His blessing. If our hearts are tempted by the vagaries of the world, we should close our hearts to them and focus our longing on God. What you hear is the dark you must speak in the light, you are salt of the earth, and you are light for the world…

The gospel message also had special meaning for me as it reminded me of a song that expresses how I feel about God’s presence in my life.

If I didn’t have you – Amanda Marshall

I don't know what I was thinking 'Til I was thinking of you
I don't remember a thing before I opened my eyes
And you came into view
I don't know what I was doing When there was nothing to do
Must've been waiting for someone ,
Now I can see - I was waiting for you

CHORUS

I'd give up my sight just to see you I'd beg,
I would borrow and steal I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you

Driving myself to distraction
Until you got in my way
I was just whistling Dixie 'til you struck up the band
And they started to play I don't know how I was living
Until you came in my life
I always knew there was something wrong
Then you came along ,you made it right

CHORUS

I was alone in the silence
'Til I was hearing your voice
I couldn't see my way clear until you parted the clouds
And you gave me a choice
I couldn't pick up the pieces 'Til I was falling apart
I didn't know I was bleeding
'Til your love fixed this hole here in my heart

I'd give up my sight just to see you
I'd beg, I would borrow and steal
I'd cut off my hands just to touch you
And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel
There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow
There's no place that I'd rather be
Cause life without you would be hollow
This love is a gift, and you gave it to me
All that I am, you have made me
And baby, I know that it's true
I'd give it all up in a heartbeat
Just to spend every moment with you
There's no place that I wouldn't follow
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
'Cause I wouldn't wanna be me
If I didn't have you

I'll Need You

I have been awake trying to figure out how to upload videos here. After a hour of frustation here is the link. You have to watch it - It's Brilliant!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tPuOIItb7o&feature=player_embedded#t=100

Inspirational message from a Friend

On days that seem unbearable, I remember a message a friend wrote me many years ago. I had no idea she had penned this poetic antiphon which I happened to find in my notebook years later. I read it because it moves me and it affirms that indeed there are special people that have been in my life. I thank God for their presence in my life, they have helped shape who I have become.

"When you wake up in the morning and the loneliness and emptiness surround you. The light in your heart that used to follow you is diminished and you live your life not to be alone or to have pain. Don't give up or give in cause there will always be another chance. God gave us everything we need. Everyday you see a smile and a great love that you think you will never feel, you are wrong. Try to remember all the strength that was given to you. Don't forget the pain you've been through to get here. You've learned a lesson and the good ones are always the hard ones. You'll learn again and you'll be heart broken more than once ."

Miss you much my Friend

The Mission of Life and finding Light in Dark Corners

While praying this morning I found myself being lead to this train of metaphorical thought.
“I’ve been calling your name over and over, I’m holding the door open but you won’t come in. I know you hear me because you look toward me. You’re too busy out playing spotlight in the dark, come here in the light where you can see”.

I spent a night on the town with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. This friend is the complete polar opposite of me; she does not hold herself accountable and is not a practicing member of her faith. Yet, I see goodness in her…we were on Water Street and we watched a magician perform a few card tricks. I noticed her speaking with another girl in the crowd. I couldn’t hear what they were talking about but I caught the end of the conversation, “My God, ________ you need to get some help and get your life straightened out, I don’t want to hear of anything bad happening to you. Take care of yourself.” My friend told me that she went to school with the girl and that she was living on the street and addicted to cocaine and heroin.

I was moved by that experience and perplexed. My friend who denounces religion showed a merciful act of kindness in her words to that girl on the street. Another example are two friends of mine who are married and have a child but have big issues with organized religion. They never go to church and the guy says he believes in a higher being but will not allow himself to be dictated on what he should or should not believe. Despite all this – they are the most Christian people I know. They live freely without attending church or following church teaching yet they live out fully Christian ideals (maybe subconsciously).

In THEOLOGY: A Very Short Introduction , David ford says, “ So even those who think they have left their family or their faith, usually go on being influenced by it, and generally need something like another family or another faith in order to live a satisfactory life.” I think that over the course of people’s lives that leave their faith, there exist some residual elements of the faith they were raised with. Our lives are affected by everything we read, by everything we learn. My point – there is good in everyone no matter what state they are in.


Luke 4: 14-21
14And Jesus returned to Galilee in the power of the Spirit, and news about Him spread through all the surrounding district.
15And He began (teaching in their synagogues and was praised by all.
16And He came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up; and as was His custom, He entered the synagogue on the Sabbath, and stood up to read.
17And the book of the prophet Isaiah was handed to Him. And He opened the book and found the place where it was written,
18"( THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME,
BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR.
HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES,
AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND,
TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED,
19TO PROCLAIM THE FAVORABLE YEAR OF THE LORD."

20And He closed the book, gave it back to the attendant and sat down; and the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on Him.

21And He began to say to them, "Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing."

22And all were speaking well of Him, and wondering at the gracious words which were falling from His lips; and they were saying, " Is this not Joseph's son?"

23And He said to them, "No doubt you will quote this proverb to Me, 'Physician, heal yourself! Whatever we heard was done at Capernaum, do here in your hometown as well.'"

24And He said, "Truly I say to you, no prophet is welcome in his hometown.

25"But I say to you in truth, there were many widows in Israel in the days of Elijah, when the sky was shut up for three years and six months, when a great famine came over all the land;

26and yet Elijah was sent to none of them, but only to Zarephath, in the land of Sidon, to a woman who was a widow.

27"And there were many lepers in Israel in the time of Elisha the prophet; and none of them was cleansed, but only Naaman the Syrian."

28And all the people in the synagogue were filled with rage as they heard these things;

29and they got up and drove Him out of the city, and led Him to the brow of the hill on which their city had been built, in order to throw Him down the cliff.

30But passing through their midst, He went His way.

A Memory of my Grandmother

This morning I began a reading a book of meditations of St. Therese of Lisieux. The focus being on how Therese communicated to God in her "Heart to Hearts". Therese saw God as a loving parent with arms open wide ready to accept and forgive the little child. It is a beautiful image, and the first meditation concluded by asking the reader to reflect upon a childhood memory of experiencing the care and affection of someone. I paused, closed my eyes and unpacked the many memories I have trying to find the perfect one in which I felt completely safe and loved, then I remembered this...

As a young girl I often had terrible dreams. One in particular scared me out of my wits, I recall it having something to do with mirrors and the devil - there were times I wouldn't go to sleep unless all the mirrors were covered. My father's parents lived with us and I often found myself knocking on their door on the nights I couldn't sleep. My Grandmother would ask if I'd had that dream again and escort me back to my room where she would kiss my forehead, snuggle me close and say the Rosary. When she said the Rosary my fears always subsided and I would feel safe and peaceful as if she had invoked my Guardian angel to keep watch over me - but she would stay with me until I fell asleep. My Grandmother was a loving and comforting woman, I only wish that she were still here. I can only hope that one day I will leave such a wonderful memory to my own grandchild.

I dreamed a dream…

A couple of nights ago, I had a rather perplexing dream and am baffled as to its meaning. I dreamt I was at Mass at St. Teresa’s in which all four priests there presided. All four priests wore black, gold, violet and green palliums over their chasubles. My dream occurred during communion, I had noticed a woman getting in and out of line seemingly undecided whether or not to receive the Eucharist. When she decided to get back in line the last time, she put out her hand to get in front of a young girl in a white communion dress. The young girl began to cry and the priest refused the woman communion. The woman started to scream and cry hysterically, and then two priests took her each by the arm and dragged her out of the church.
I am rather upset by this dream and I find it disturbing. I have been unable to think about anything else. The only thing I could find on the internet was this…
“To dream of communion, symbolizes your conflict with the material world and the spiritual world. You are torn between your values and your feelings. Alternatively, the dream indicates a betrayal. You may also be seeking some form of acceptance”.

If anyone reads this, what are your thoughts?

Week One

I begin my course is Theological Studies next week…meaning a lot of reading for me to do. I have to re-evaluate some time management issues. At least I will have a few days next week to get myself on a more liveable schedule, I won’t be able to go to Mass as often as I have done this summer. I am also seeking direction with a Jesuit Priest, I am not sure if it will be fruitfull but I am going to see him for a few sessions and see how it works out. He loaned me a book called, “When the Well Runs Dry” and for the small amount of time I had to read it – I really like it. After speaking with him, I realize that just because I feel like I am walking in a desert; it doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a bad thing. Jesus often retreated to the desert for days and days to pray and fast. The Jesuit said that the spiritual desert is where God purifies our souls, often providing us with an oasis here and there. In retrospect, I agree with that statement, this past few months have been like that for me, really dry but then at the most unsuspecting moments a glimmer of consolation and peace. On a happier note, my first spiritual director is visiting Newfoundland and I am excited to see him again, I am hoping for a really nice chat and to catch up. I came across this on The Deacon’s Bench and I meant to paste it here. It is about a woman’s decision to devote her life to God and it has resonated in me ever since. Enjoy.

I come to the door of the house, carrying my jar of ointment, still wondering what possessed me to come. As I bribe the doorkeeper — who knows me — to let me in, I wonder what He will do when I touch His feet. If He should kick at me, it is only what I deserve, but if He does before I can anoint Him, what then? What then? No answer comes. And now I am already inside, burning under the hostile gaze of everyone in the room. Oh, God, it is a regular dinner party! They all know, they all accuse, they all wonder how I gained entrance. Even the maidservants stare.But there He is, and he is not looking at me. He is attentive to a conversation which He has just begun with someone on the opposite side of the table — almost as though He is deliberately distracting attention from me — and others are joining in now, too. The oppressive, silent accusation is lifted, and I make my way to Him. As I remove His sandals, he doesn’t flinch, and I begin to weep. He is letting me touch Him! He is letting me touch Him without fuss or ceremony; I didn’t even have to ask! As my tears fall on His ankle accidentally, I realize how dirty these feet are. Whatever water I can, I use; my tears shall cleanse Him even as they cleanse my heart from so much worry, so much shame. All my memories of sin, I pour out of my eyes; all my wishes to begin again as a new woman, become tears to wash away the dust on these precious feet. But what shall I use to dry them? Even my clothes are tainted by my past life — I cannot dirty these feet anew by using defiled veil or dress. But my hair is mine; God-given from before I fell away from him. Pulling back my veil, I loosen its combs and let its coils tumble down. Gently, I dry away my tears and try to calm the tremors in my stomach and hands. How can He be allowing this? He still has not even looked at me!
Finally I reach for my jar. Though this ointment cost me nearly all my ill-gotten fortune, it now pales in the face of what this wandering prophet has given me. I no longer desire any vestige of my sinfulness, any remnant of this life, and I break the neck of the jar on the stone floor, emptying its entire contents on the feet before me. The noise and smell which soon overpowers the room immediately bring attention back on me, and I hide my scarlet face by bending and kissing once more His now-pungent feet.
Then I hear his voice and feel a gently hand on my head. “Simon, I have something to say.”

Truckling to God

As of Late, I have been struggling with where God calls me. Today I came across an interesting word: Truckle...whose meaning goes something like this -

1. To yield or bend obsequiously to the will of another; to act in a subservient manner.
2. A small wheel or roller; a caster.


As much as I try to do what He requires of me, I resist. Newton's Law of Motions states that, "To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction." As much as I pull back, He pursues me all the more. Adversely, when I become the pursuer, He fleetingly escapes me.

Sorrow a Sin?

I found myself reflecting on the Seven Virtues and how they relate to the Seven Cardinal Sins. While reading I came across this tidbit…
“When Thomas Aquinas described acedia in his interpretation of the list, he described it as an uneasiness of the mind, being a progenitor for lesser sins such as restlessness and instability. Dante refined this definition further, describing acedia as the failure to love God with all one's heart, all one's mind and all one's soul; to him it was the middle sin, the only one characterized by an absence or insufficiency of love.
Despair describes a feeling of dissatisfaction or discontent, which causes unhappiness with one's current situation. Since unhappiness inherently results from the sin, the sin was sometimes referred to as sadness.”
I understand how sadness can interfere with one’s ability to connect with God in prayer, but is it really a sin? In my own experience sadness has brought me closer to God, that in those moments of lowliness, God is able to show himself to me. If someone were lost in the pits of despair, is it really their fault and can they just decide to not be sad anymore? The condition of a person’s soul is complex and being human, the hurtful things that we experience may take a while to heal. Someone who has experienced an unfortunate tragedy who finds themselves lost in grief and becomes depressed, is it a sin or is it an opportunity to invite God in? We should never have too much of one thing in our lives, and maybe the point that Thomas Aquinas was getting at is to not let sadness take over our lives. I believe we need sorrow in our lives to make us appreciate the joyful moments. Sorrow can be a blessing, not a sin. If life was full of happiness, why would we want to leave our earthly home for our eternal home? We need sorrow in order to draw ourselves into the arms of God.

Thy Word is a Lamp unto my feet and a Light unto my Path – Psalm 119:105

Last night I decided to go for a short walk but something pushed me to go a bit further than I had planned. As I kept going I passed a friend’s house (she plays the guitar in the church I cantor in). Again, I felt that gravitational pull so I turned and walked up her driveway. She was sat in her car crying for a friend that isn’t expected to make it through the weekend. I sat with her for a while and spent some time talking with her at her kitchen table. She said she had prayed for a friend to be with her, that she asked for an angel and I showed up. I’m far from an angel but I believe God led me to be with her in her time of grief. Yesterday I was feeling sad and I prayed to God for some reassurance and comfort, my friend told me she waited thirty five years to meet her husband and that good things come to those who wait. She also told me before she met her husband; an elderly neighbor came by and told her she had a message from God that she would meet her husband in six months – and it happened!! My experience last night was an example of serendipity, I was praying for reassurance from God and my friend’s story comforted me in the loneliness I felt yesterday and at the same time I was present to my friend in her sadness . It’s amazing what can happen when you let the current of God’s spirit bring you to new shores of hope…

A song I needed to hear...

To Our Lady of Perpetual Help...


Pretty lady
Here I am
With my heart on my sleeve
Hat in my hand

You said you could help me
Help me now
Change my life
Please show me how

A face of clay
And yet so warm
I feel like I've weathered
Eternal storm

You said you could help me
Help me now
Change my life
Please show me how

Pretty lady ...

Pretty lady

Here I am
With my heart on my sleeve
Hat in hand

You said you could help me
Help me now
Change my life Please show me how

(Trooper)

The Simple Things…

Mornings are hectic for me…I get up at 5:00 am go for a half hour walk/jog and then it usually takes me at least an hour and a half to get ready for work, but somehow I still manage to get into work a few minutes late or I cut it very close most mornings. I leave the house with my mega huge purse, my lunch bag, a bag containing a change of clothes, a change of shoes and a coffee – needless to say my hands are full – I am sure my neighbors are laughing behind their curtain drawn windows. I take all these things with me because I have a 45 minute commute and plans somehow always have a way of changing so I like to be prepared for anything. This morning as I descended Taplin’s Hill in Holyrood, I noticed one of the women from an old age home walking to work with just a bottle of water in one hand and a radio swinging from the other. I suddenly felt inspired by her simplicity, and calmed by it. It made me think of a passage I wrote shortly after World Youth Day in Toronto…

On the day of the pilgrimage, I volunteered to help a friend who couldn’t walk to the vigil. Along the way, I noticed that many of the pilgrims were carrying a lot of baggage – sleeping bags, air mattresses, chairs and so on. On Sunday evening after it was all over, there was an abundance of these items left abandoned. As we were slowly making our way back, I was astounded to see pilgrims carrying very little or nothing at all. I’ve had some time to think about this and have made a conclusion. You see, the journey the pilgrims made is symbolic of the journey of life. We tend to carry a lot of baggage around with us. Some collapse with exhaustion from the weight of their burdens, some don’t make it, others give up. But for those who drop their bags, the road is much easier to travel. Think of how relieved the pilgrims felt without the weight of their baggage tying them down. Whether they knew it or not, the act of them leaving behind their belongings brought them closer along the path of life than they could have imagined. When Jesus called the disciples, they left everything to follow Him. So must we. We must leave behind our emotional burdens and reconcile with God. Only then will it be easier to proceed with our life’s journey.

I believe that woman was God inadvertently trying to remind me of that lesson and to help me let go of a few things…I found myself feeling a little sad this morning as I thought of a former friend. During a Dale Carnegie Program I had to pick two people to write a letter to and she was one of them. We have been friends for many years and had seen each other through a lot of troubling times whether it was financial, issues in relationships we each had with men. There was one incident in particular she helped me through and in the letter I had promised that if she were ever to need me like that I would be there for her. A few weeks after that, her father assaulted my sister and because of his error and due to no fault to her or I – we just cannot rebuild that close friendship. It’s like that letter was God’s opportunity for me to say goodbye to her though I didn’t know it was a goodbye letter at the time I wrote it.

I have been desperately trying to build lasting friendships for the last few years but it has been difficult for me to trust that others really “get” who I am – my former friend understood my quirks and never judged me for that – our friendship was unconditional – we were friends no matter what bad decision we made or foolish blunders, we just supported each other through embarrassing and sometimes frustrating situations. I really miss that kind of friendship. Not having that kind of friendship these past few years has been a heavy load to bear and the loneliness brought me to my knees in front of the Cross in a church where I hope to find new friends. But today I’ll just wipe my tears and hope in the Lord. To think this all came from seeing a woman walk to work! Oh God, you are mysterious…

The Great Stork Derby and The $1000 Baby Bonus

I watched "The Stork Derby " Saturday evening and needless to say I found myself absolutely writhing with disgust at Charles Vance Millar. He was a wealthy lawyer and financier in Toronto with a sick and twisted sense of humor. In fact i won't even call it humor - it is evil mischief. He would drop dollar bills on sidewalk and while hiding would watch people scamble to pick them up. How dark a person's soul must be to take delight in another's desperation.

Upon his death, Charles' will cause quite a phenomenon with the infamous "Clause 9"
[ All the rest and residue of my property wheresoever situate, I give, devise and bequeath unto my Executors and Trustees named below in Trust to convert into money as they deem advisable and invest all the money until the expiration of nine years from my death and then call in and convert it all into money and at the expiration of ten years from my death to give it and its accumulations to the mother who has since my death given birth in Toronto to the greatest number of children as shown by the Registrations under the Vital Statistics Act. If one or more mothers have equal highest number of registrations under the said Act to divide the said moneys and accumulations equally between them]

You have to understand that in the mid 1920's one of the controversial issues was birth control. Some believed that given Millar's tendancies for practical and ironic jokes, he devised this clause to make a stab at unplanned pregnancies and the prohibition of birth control. The clause quickly penned " The Great Stork Derby" caused quite a stir in Toronto, similar to the scrambling of people picking up money, women scrambled to produce babies during the ten year peroid following Millar's death. First of all, this is an example of complete objectification of women, the feminist in me was furious, how many women died giving birth to these children? How many women mourned the death of stillborn and premature children whilst chasing an unattainable dream? How many women were forced into bearing children by their greed driven husbands?What kind of burden was felt by the poor and marginalized familes left with an over abundance of children, how many of them starved and went to bed hungry? Charles Vance Millar was a sadistic man.

Which brings me to my next point...Politically, I am a conservative and I pretty much hold a high approval for Danny Williams. However, in light of this movie I watched I couldn't help but draw some parallels with the thousand dollar baby bonus given for every child born in this province. I understand it is aimed at increasing the birth rate in NL but I forsee some problems that may arise.

1. $1000 is not a lot of money and is not even enough to deck out a nursery even with the most basic supples.

2. It increases the occurance of pre-marital sex.

3. Most people eligible for the bonus are already being financially assisted. An increase of children in the system equals more burden to be undertaken by taxpayers.

4. It objectifies children. The baby doesn't just grow up and move out once the $1000 is gone. What happens to the children who were brought into the world just for a cheque?

If the provincial government wants to increase the birth rate , they ought to establish a similar childcare program to Quebec's. The working class cannnot afford to have more than two children these days - even with both parents working. They are fueling the fire and adding to the problem of unwed young mothers in unstable relationships on social assistance. It's absurd.

Just a thought on Temperance...

Temperance is a vitue I have difficulty with but I think it can bring about a certain state of Grace that can only be brought about by moderation of specific appetites. Here is a quote I stumbled upon a few weeks ago that has resonated with me...

"For decades, I hated temperance with a passion and joked that it
should be allowed only in moderation.…. Temperance enables
balance, which in many respects is a metaphor for perfection.
Maintaining a graceful balance takes effort, skill, timing creativity
and considerable maturity, for one must juggle personal matters
with one’s relationships and responsibilities to family, work,
church and community. The best jugglers smile, almost dance,
enjoying the thrill of rhythmic balls in motion, careful to drop
none. In life such balance requires not just temperance but prudence,
courage and the others virtues.
Temperance allows us to toss some things into the air while we do
what is urgent or foundational. It also urges us to keep attempting
the virtues, despite years of defeat. Those attempts might include
losing weight, exercising more, tending to someone or fulfilling acommitment. Learning the virtues takes a lifetime." - Unknown (to me at least)

So Temperance is a lifelong commitment...

Let Me Introduce Myself...

My name is Kellie Ann and here is a part of my story... this is my entrance letter to study Theology

Since I have been twelve I have kept a diary and from the very first entry I wrote about God and feeling His presence. As I look back at the pages of my life I realized many things, one being that I have always been able to recognize God’s presence that I wrote about God often and reflected what that meant to me. I remember in grade four I wrote a poem, it’s title was “Candle in the Night”, I showed it to my teacher and never saw it again, to this day the only thing I remember is that it was about Jesus showing us a way in the dark.

I first began to sing publicly at fifteen after achieving a solo in our school’s production of “Jesus Christ Superstar”. After that I was often asked to sing at school masses. When my grandmother died that year I sang at her funeral in church and have been leading my congregation in song ever since. I enjoy it really, I feel like when I sing it helps people experience the mass on a more spiritual level. It fulfills me because I know that it brings people closer to God and that makes me feel like I’m doing something for God.

There have been many people who have inspired me, one of them being Father Ramon Bolotete. His interpretation of the gospel would sometimes bring me to tears, his words and gentle manner helped to bring me to a closer relationship with God. The summer before I went to university, I wrote him a very detailed profession of faith and described how he had inspired me. When I finally did go to university, I got caught up in a way of life that wasn’t for me and I knew it. Feeling lost, broken and lonely, I got up one Sunday morning and went to the nearest church. All the songs and the readings seemed to say the same thing, “Turn to God” I remember crying and saying to God, “I can’t deal with this anymore, help me, and it’s all in your hands.” I just let go and it felt like a big burden had been lifted off my shoulders. It was at that time that I received a reply letter from Father Ramon thanking me for the letter I sent him. It seemed like a sign from God letting me know that everything would work out. And it did, I started to go to church every Sunday, I thrived in school but I eventually decided that the career I chose was not for me. I then began working as a telemarketer and then moved on to work at a sandwich take out.

During the time I worked there I dated a young man, after a couple of months we both decided that we felt no strong connection and went our separate ways. It was then that I began discerning a religious life, feeling confused I asked God to “show me a light”. I moved home to work at a local convenience store. I then resumed going to church at my parish, where I learned a seminarian had just been ordained a deacon. In his first homily to us, he spoke about a little boy congratulating him on becoming a “beacon”. He said he was going to correct the boy but then realized that maybe the boy was right, that maybe he was a “beacon” to show people “the light”. As I heard this I began to cry, I decided it was a sign for me to talk to this Deacon. I knew that God wanted me to hear something the Deacon would say. I made an appointment and I explained to the Deacon about the confusion and all the emotions I’d been feeling. He told me “…in order to know God’s will you have to surrender to God’s will, thy kingdom come, thy will be done”. I almost cried when I heard those words, I had never heard anyone say, “Surrender to God” and it was exactly what I needed to hear. About a week after that I spoke to Father Dunn and he recommended me to the Sisters of Mercy and I have been under their spiritual direction ever since.

I then started to feel “called” to go to World Youth Day in Toronto; I joined the youth group and began fundraising for the event. Later that year I began a career exploration program and was faced with the wrenching decision of not going to World Youth Day. I felt torn, heartbroken and I cried for hours, in the end I decided that the “calling” to go to World Youth Day was too strong to ignore and chose to miss the week of school instead. I felt that something very significant was going to happen and that God would reveal something to me.

Something did happen at World Youth Day and it sent me into a state of shock. It was nothing like I expected, now I realize it was so much more. The first thing that affected me was how enthusiastic people were about spirituality, during catechesis I saw people on their hands and knees crying and praying, it brought me to tears. The music throughout the whole week touched me on many levels. I went to confession while I was there and it made me feel so refreshed. On our way to Niagara Falls, we got on our bus to find a man who seemed disoriented, flailing his arms and moaning in anguish. A couple of our male leaders lifted him off our bus; they were just going to leave him there. The first thing that came to my mind was the story of Jesus disguised as a beggar. We all pleaded for someone to get him help and they called an ambulance for him. Another experience that sticks out for me was, one night back at the school we were staying at, a few of us stayed up talking with a man from New Jersey. He told us that both his children were diagnosed with leukemia. In one of his efforts to help his children, he would stand on streets asking people to pray for his children. Later, one person came back to him and told him he had never prayed until he had been asked to pray for this man’s children and that it had brought him closer to God. The man from New Jersey then thanked God for giving his children cancer because if it brought one person closer to God, it gave his children’s life meaning. That through some divine act of God, the loss of his children would help God Shepherd His lost children. The man from New Jersey told us his children have been in remission since then. There we all were enthralled by this man’s story, sitting around him. It brought to mind Jesus teaching the disciples. I remember looking at this man’s feet, rugged and worn, wondering if Jesus’ feet might have looked like that.

The night before the vigil, I volunteered to escort a young man who was unable to walk to the vigil site due to physical and psychological disabilities. The next day we were picked up by the bus and we went to Downsview. I was told that we had to go to the handicap section, after a half hour walking around we found it and they wouldn’t let us in because they said we weren’t registered. I don’t know what happened but our passes for that section had somehow not been given to us. Stefan the young man, needed to show his disability identification card and they let us in. After tending to Stefan’s needs, I looked around and was shocked to see how isolated the handicap section was from everything else. We were behind a wire fence with barbwire on top of it. The whole day I had to fight to get in and out of the section because we had no passes. I wouldn’t have left but the bathrooms were outside the section, we had meal tickets but you needed six to redeem a meal and no one would combine with us, so we had to buy our food from vendors. I was trying to look for our group but to no avail.

Walking through all the people, a priest stopped me and asked what was wrong. After I told him he blessed both Stefan and I & then said a prayer for us. Finally we went back to the handicap section and I fought until they gave us passes. We were told we had to sleep on the concrete floor of an airport hanger and that’s where we spent the night. The next day we set up next to the fence to see the Holy Father drive by. It seemed unimaginable that they would put politicians and so called important guests next to the stage and keep people who couldn’t hear, speak or walk behind a barbwire fence a half a mile away. When the Pope finally drove by, I cried because all these beautiful people were reaching out to him behind a fence of thorns. Maybe we are all like these people reaching out to God behind the barrier of life’s difficulties and burdens. We were sat next to a woman named Louise who was barely able to speak. She consoled me because I was so upset about Stefan’s and my situation and the fact that God’s most beloved were cast out where no one could see them. She told me she was happy to see Stefan and I helping one another and that God sends us angels. I can’t remember everything she said but she was an angel because her words got me through that day. She told me she used to love to sing and missed it dearly, with tears in my eyes I told her I would sing for her, she cried and we all embraced each other.
World Youth Day was a significant spiritual event for me and it has taken many years for me to process it. God revealed something to me - that I feel His love for disabled people, I admire their innocence and preciousness. I have been in discernment for many years struggling with expectations that my parents have for me and the gentle whispering of the Holy Spirit within me. During the last four years I have been experiencing a spiritual disconnection but I have been holding on to my faith as if it was the only thing keeping me alive. Last January, my sister was sexually assaulted by my best friend’s father. It was a devastating loss and I will miss her friendship forever. I drew strength from my faith to endure the questioning in our small community and I gave my full support to my sister during the trial and conviction of a once family friend. It has only been since the conviction that I have begun to feel the hurt healing. I went to Mass for Holy Thursday in St. Theresa’s and part of the priest’s homily was about forgiveness and I realized that I have to let it go, I do not hate the man but I hate what he did. I pray that if he ever realizes the error in his ways that God will be there to console him.

I have been patiently waiting for something to stir, to feel God’s presence gently pushing me past the stagnant routine my life has become. A few weeks ago my Aunt called from Nova Scotia and I learned that my cousin and his fiancé had been refused the sacrament of marriage. I felt disappointed because I use every opportunity to encourage my peers to open themselves to their faith and return to the church. I thought, “How can I defend the church if they will be turned away?” I wrote a letter to the Archbishop of Halifax imploring him to intervene. In my letter I spoke of God’s unconditional love and using the parable of The Prodigal Son and The Good Shepherd, I explained that God will welcome us home with open arms and that it is part of a priest’s responsibility to enable the Holy Spirit, to emulate The Good Shepherd and gather the sheep in His arms. The Bishop’s Aide has contacted my Aunt. She, my cousin and his fiancé will be meeting with a priest to further discuss the matter. When I went to Mass that Sunday as I was Leader of Psalm, I listened to the readings and learned that it was the celebration of The Good Shepherd. In my heart, I felt that God had timed everything perfectly and it was at that moment I believe, the Spirit began to stir within me again.

I became curious about Divinity Colleges and I found myself on the site for the Atlantic School of Theology. I learned that lay persons can take classes! I read course descriptions and my heart began to swell with excitement. I wondered to myself, “How would I be able to do this?”, and I decided to investigate. I made an appointment with a professor of Religious Studies in Memorial University to see if they offered any courses only to discover that it was not what I was seeking. That same day, I visited Sr. Maureen and talked with her about the desire to pursue a correspondence program with the Atlantic School of Theology. Sr. Maureen told me about Queen’s College and the pang of desire and yearning overwhelmed me. I emailed Dr. Carmel Doyle and asked to meet with her. I did not know what to expect and the moment we began to speak I felt comfortable and I explained why I was there. I learned that there were others who felt the same way I do and they embarked upon this path in the same way I intend to. I met with the students and I felt a kindred connection and I knew that this is where I belong. I’ve been asking myself why didn’t I do this years ago and the only explanation I can understand is that God needed me to have these experiences in order to bring me here now. If I had not been exposed to the events that unfolded, I would be somewhere else. I do not know the destination, and it is only now I know the way. Here I am, afraid and mystified of the unknown, yet my spirit is yielding with complete trust in the Father’s guidance. I look to Queen’s College for a more structured learning and exploration in deepening my faith and spirituality by aiding me to integrate my life’s experiences with teachings of the scriptures and enhance my knowledge of church traditions. I wish to examine and discern the empathy I feel towards the disabled and learn how I can inspire the spark of spiritual growth in the young. The possibilities are endless and uncertain, so now I must begin.